benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
