if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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