I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
