I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
