I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
