If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
