Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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