I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You pole danced in your parka.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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