So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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