someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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