we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
