Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
