you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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