She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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