is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
