She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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