I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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