Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
