While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
