I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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