Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
