Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
