I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
