Me. At least after what I've been through.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
