I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
