dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
