my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
