He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
