Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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