Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
