I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
