I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
