I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
