I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
