Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
