the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
