i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
