i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
