no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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