I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!