I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
