Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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