If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
