a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
