Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
