I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
