Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
