I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think people are normalizing furries
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
