Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
