I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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