i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you win again, gameday.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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