watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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