i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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