community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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