...so i touched it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
