I think i peed on brittanys purse
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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