So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
