I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
